hotel room ftw
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
