this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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