I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My feet surprised me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
How naked do you want me to be?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
