i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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