it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
