I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
