Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
