uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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