i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
