im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
