How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
