well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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