my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Randomize
