Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
