So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
