My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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