this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
