Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
