I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
