Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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