I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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