i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
