listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
