i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
