i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
