if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
