It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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