She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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