We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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