I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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