2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
