Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
