I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
