oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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