guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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