I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
