So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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