His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
