I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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