I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
