Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
