I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
only you would photoshop your dick
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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