She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
