see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
