she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
