I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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