gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm bleeding and have questions
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
