His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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