I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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