Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
